Movement

Best friend moving from here to Portland, OR.

Best college friend moving from her home in Fort Lauderdale to Charleston, SC.

I think they may have received their job offers on the same day.

What's going on in the cosmos when a coincidence like that happens? I read it as a sign that change is in the air--life-giving change. Fresh starts. New challenges.

I hope it's true for me, too. And not in any "it's bad but it will turn out good" kind of way, but in the same way my beautiful friends have been offered these amazing changes and opportunities.

I have "allergies"

No, actually, I don't have allergies. I have a cold.

A cold that, ironically, makes me not want to sleep. I'm tired and need to sleep, but I can't quite get myself there.

Blog reading: there are a few blogs that I only check up on once in a while. I found a party going on at one blog, and another blog, DEAR GOD, is so visually unreadable my eyes still hurt. Maybe it's the cold, but seriously, I need to go put a hot washcloth over my eyes.

What was the URL for the Hanso website in the fake commercial during Lost? I said "remember remember remember" but then I got, you know, caught up in a Will and Grace rerun. Because I don't watch TV, and so when I do, it's like a shiny penny on the sidewalk. Oh look, shiny penny!

Stressed Out

I'm stressed out.

I have a huge project at work that I'm enjoying and that, because of political demands (the super high boss-man said, "get 'er done"), is moving forward without resistance from anyone. The project is high profile, and if done smoothly has the possibility of making a lot of people happy.

This project, however, is forcing me to work at about 125% work capacity, and about 200% work-worry capacity. It's good stress, but it's some serious stress.

I'm also pretty bad at taking care of myself. I've never been good at the whole cooking and feeding myself thing, I have a hard time exercising regularly, I don't do a good job with gauging when I need social companionship vs. when I need to be alone (I choose alone a lot, when I need people--especially as I'm single), etc. I come from a family of people who don't take care of themselves, so I have generations of "suck at nurturing ourselves and our families" behind me.

Lots of stress + suck at taking care of myself = moments of basketcase-ness.

Last weekend, this was manifesting itself via anger at my Kinda-Boyfriend. KB and I only see each other about once a week (that, among other reasons, is why he's "kinda") and we don't talk much on the phone. Last weekend, I kept imagining because of his current level of being swamped at work plus my project, we wouldn't see each other for weeks upon weeks. Then I got myself worked up because I needed someone more than that. Then I imagined we should just stop seeing each other. Then I imagined other hostility between us.

Notice I keep using the word "imagine." This was all going on in my head. I finally left a message for him on Sunday and told him that I was so stressed out, I needed support, and I was getting worked up and getting angry at him. As he had no clue that I was stressed out, needed support, and needed it from him, it didn't quite seem fair to be so angry at him for his lack of response. He, being a kind man, called me back promptly and reassured me. Then we saw each other Monday night, which eased me considerably.

But this morning, I'm back to being stressed out and wanting him, and being, well, hurt that he's not here.

Thing two that happened that is a clear sign of how bad I feel: my coworkers and I went out Thursday night and got trashed. I don't think that was my influence--the stars had clearly aligned that everyone would make bad alcohol decisions. But mine turned into an emotional drunk, wherein I got upset about something, ended up crying, people had to soothe me, I was too drunk to drive home, people had to wait with me while I sobered up a little, and I got weirdly emotional AND sexual with one of my key co-workers. Bless him, he's a strong man and a good person and just kept me at arm's length (at least as far as I can remember) while trying to make me feel better.

But GAH! How humiliating!

And I almost picked a fight with one of my best friends, who is sensitive to that kind of thing. And I'm not getting enough sleep. And I just want to be alone, but need to be with people, and so keep refusing invitations. And my irritation level with other friends is high. Etc. etc. etc.

It's not that I want the stress to end, necessarily. What I really want is my take-care-of-myself skills to increase, exponentially and quickly. Alas, generations of baggage cannot be shed with awareness alone. It takes time for one's mental attitude (and unconscious desires) to align with one's knowledge, understanding, and conscious desires. So I shall wait, and act in the small ways I can, to take care of myself and feel better.

Bush's contradictions: echoes of my childhood

Bush to China: stop using all the oil, switch to nuclear power

Bush to Iran: no nuclear power for you, but give is your oil

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Bush to Iran: Nuclear weapons are BAD! Stop trying to build nuclear weapons!

Bush to world: If Iran doesn't stop trying to build nuclear weapons, we're going to use nuclear weapons on them to stop them from using nuclear weapons

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Bush to world: Palestine is a model of democracy. See how great democracy is? The people of Palestine have free elections. They finally have a voice.

Bush to Palestine: Since you (democratically) elected Hamas, we're going to cut off all funding for you. We're also going to lean on the EU to cut their funding off too. Bad Palestine! Bad!

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That Bush. It reminds me of my dysfunctional childhood. Somedays he pisses me off beyond belief, but most days, he just makes me tired.

Wake me when WW3 is over.